Cornishpoms Posted August 19, 2013 Report Share Posted August 19, 2013 I need as much advice as possible when it comes to dealing with those left behind! It's getting harder each time I talk to my mum. The mood is often very low. She makes me feel very guilty for leaving and I'm finding very hard to keep things positive! I guess it's just one of the issue that will get worse before it gets better. Many advice much appreciated. thank Harriet Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jo and scott Posted August 19, 2013 Report Share Posted August 19, 2013 I need as much advice as possible when it comes to dealing with those left behind! It's getting harder each time I talk to my mum. The mood is often very low. She makes me feel very guilty for leaving and I'm finding very hard to keep things positive! I guess it's just one of the issue that will get worse before it gets better. Many advice much appreciated. thank Harriet hi harriet, id also like to know the answer to this one !! yesterday my sister said shes just getting her head around it, but we told her at the beginning of june, I don't think ive thought too much about who we are leaving behind as we are not that close to my family, only my mum, and shes ok about things, and if shes not then shes keeping it to herself ! my family seem to be having lots of do's since ive told them, which is quite nice, our original plan was to go in 2 years time, but we are now thinking we will be going as soon as the visa is through, but havnt told anyone that yet :-/ our main reason to go in 2 years was so that we could save enough money but if scott has a good job and we have a it of money then we may just go for it ! jo. x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nancy Posted August 19, 2013 Report Share Posted August 19, 2013 Hi guys I feel for you's, we've not really got any close family but have many friends that we regard as family. We've only told a few people that were thinking about it until we actually get the visa and know for certain. I know all our friends will be happy for us as my life has revolved around Everyone else and always putting them first so this is my first selfish thing I've done for a long time but I know it's right for us. I'm actually thinking about telling everyone it's only for 6 months to keep my options open as much as I want to settle in oz I'd rather say we're staying longer than telling everyone were immigrating for good and and up back here in 6 months time if things don't work out Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ali Posted August 19, 2013 Report Share Posted August 19, 2013 For them it's a little like grieving and will have all the stages including denial and anger before the acceptance. I guess it's really about keeping communication open, acknowledging their feelings "I know this is hard for you but" ... letting them know what a good job they've done in raising you to make such big decisions and that you can't live your life for someone else ... you have to live it for you and take the opportunities that arise for you. It may be forever ... it might not be but that you'll always be each others families. My dad is in his 70's now and has visited 3 times in the 7 years he's been here (4 times in all as he visited my brother in QLD before we moved). He loves seeing the life we've carved out for ourselves, he loves seeing the kids happy and content (although the first goodbyes after the first trip were awful). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jonandsarah Posted August 20, 2013 Report Share Posted August 20, 2013 We've been here almost 4 months now, people that you need leave need time to grieve and get used to it, they all react differently and all want that very last moment with you. Yes its very difficult for them to accept but I really wished some family had done things away from my 6 year olds eyes. My one sister would put stupid states on facebook saying she couldn't cope without me despite hardly every coming to see me and would then send texts demanding for me to meet her on my own cause in her words we need to talk - just pissed me off even more. My others sister who was very close to my daughter found it really hard, not long after they found out about our move they found they were expecting their first which is due Saturday and iam finding it really hard iam not going to be there to cuddle him, but they are already planning a trip soon and they can understand why we have done it and are really proud of us. She tried to hind her feelings from or daughter and would often have to leave the room to cry but she was really thinking of us too. I can honestly say saying goodbye to my dad broke my heart and he couldn't look at my little girl but hes also really proud of us. My mother (parents are divorced) was a nightmare and wanted our daughter all the time despite there being other family for us to see due to this our daughter went to school the day before we left, my mum wants to take us to the hotel and also to the airport both of which I said no to and my sister that was kicking off wanted to see us off and the bus station again this was a no no. My inlaws iam not going into cause since we have been here they have pissed me off beyond belief letting our daughter down. For us there needed to be a cut of point for them and also for us as a family, people forget you have feelings too and your not doing this to hurt them but to make things better. Hope you find a way of dealing with it and when you get on the plane order a glass of wine as soon as they let you take care Sarah Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beandownunder Posted August 20, 2013 Report Share Posted August 20, 2013 I am dreading this and your story,Sarah, makes me even more nervous. we've had tears from the m-i-l already as we really will be leaving her all alone :-( good luck harriet, let us know how you get on and any tips you may have for the future..... J x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cornishpoms Posted August 20, 2013 Author Report Share Posted August 20, 2013 Sarah it's sounds like you really letting off some steam there!! It's awful tho, like you in have my dad repeatedly asking to take us to the airport (which I really don't wont) and my mum (alsodivorced) telling me are our children will grow up and forget about her, how she'll never see her great grandchildren the list goes on!! I've already said go bye to my brother. That was fine as he's in Scotland and we're in Cornwall, so only ever saw him once a year. But I also have another 2 bothers and 2 sisters to say good bye to yet. Like you we don't see the inlaws. But I think my mother in law may raise her ugly head before we leave!!!! Just need to get on the plain and get on with our new life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cornishpoms Posted August 20, 2013 Author Report Share Posted August 20, 2013 I am dreading this and your story,Sarah, makes me even more nervous. we've had tears from the m-i-l already as we really will be leaving her all alone :-(good luck harriet, let us know how you get on and any tips you may have for the future..... J x Something tells me there will be no advice or tips on this subject!!! When do you leave? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beandownunder Posted August 20, 2013 Report Share Posted August 20, 2013 Something tells me there will be no advice or tips on this subject!!! When do you leave? ???? just at skills assessment point at present, hoping for validation trip next Easter/summer and then as soon as house sells etc.... J x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nikkiwd Posted August 20, 2013 Report Share Posted August 20, 2013 (edited) We are in Scotland but my hubby is from Cornwall and his mum and sister still live there. When we told them at the beginning of the year we were going to Australia they both made it very clear how unhappy they were about it (even though in the 11 years we have lived up here his sister only visited once for our wedding and his mum twice) its always us doing the journey down a couple of times a year. Then in February his mum was diagnosed with cancer and we had a quick dash down there as she had to be operated on. On coming around after the op hubby went over to her bedside and the first thing she said was 'i was so upset when you told me you were going to Australia' with her most feeble voice! We then failed our first skills assessment (which we applied for before she was ill) she said she was glad we had failed! we have decided not to tell her that we had re applied and are continuing with the visa process as she is having chemo and will wait til she is well again before we break the news again. My hubby is dreading it as he knows what the reaction will be. I can understand her not being happy about it but cant understand why you wouldnt want your son to do what makes him happy. Good luck to you anyway, it will be alright once you are over there. Edited August 20, 2013 by nikkiwd Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jonandsarah Posted August 20, 2013 Report Share Posted August 20, 2013 I found that people choose to ignore that we were going to begin with then it hit them in the last 2 weeks and want to cram it all in forgetting that they had had plenty of time before and that you have loads to sort and get straight in your head. There is one day I will never forgive my inlaws for and that was when they pushed my dad out of my house because he felt so uncomfortable so I never really got the chance to spend that final moment with him on my own and things with them have just got worse!!!! Like telling my daughter they will ring her and then don't god shes 6 she doesn't understand just gets upset Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beandownunder Posted August 20, 2013 Report Share Posted August 20, 2013 I found that people choose to ignore that we were going to begin with then it hit them in the last 2 weeks and want to cram it all in forgetting that they had had plenty of time before and that you have loads to sort and get straight in your head. There is one day I will never forgive my inlaws for and that was when they pushed my dad out of my house because he felt so uncomfortable so I never really got the chance to spend that final moment with him on my own and things with them have just got worse!!!! Like telling my daughter they will ring her and then don't god shes 6 she doesn't understand just gets upset :-( poor you xxxx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jonandsarah Posted August 20, 2013 Report Share Posted August 20, 2013 just goes to prove some people just weren't worth worrying about no matter what their relationship to us was - guess they will always let us down very sad really - were happy enough to take everything they could before we left though!!!! says it all. Think they need to remember they have a son and a grand daughter here though I don't care about me but for them I wish they could make the same effort my family have done and be proud of their son - within 6 weeks of being here hes even been promoted in work and their grand daughter has come out of her shell so much and is loving life, shes been taken into the national development squad for gymnastics after a very nasty broken arm in the uk. Guess I will never please some people so iam going to give up on trying and care about the ones that care Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beandownunder Posted August 20, 2013 Report Share Posted August 20, 2013 just goes to prove some people just weren't worth worrying about no matter what their relationship to us was - guess they will always let us down very sad really - were happy enough to take everything they could before we left though!!!! says it all. Think they need to remember they have a son and a grand daughter here though I don't care about me but for them I wish they could make the same effort my family have done and be proud of their son - within 6 weeks of being here hes even been promoted in work and their grand daughter has come out of her shell so much and is loving life, shes been taken into the national development squad for gymnastics after a very nasty broken arm in the uk. Guess I will never please some people so iam going to give up on trying and care about the ones that care well done to Jon and your daughter, great achievements so far. sounds like you're working though the upset Sarah and moving onwards and upwards :-) at least you're in a great position to start afresh and make some new friends that I believe will be like "family" - good luck xxxx cant wait to be in the same position as you, Janine xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cornishpoms Posted August 20, 2013 Author Report Share Posted August 20, 2013 We are in Scotland but my hubby is from Cornwall and his mum and sister still live there. When we told them at the beginning of the year we were going to Australia they both made it very clear how unhappy they were about it (even though in the 11 years we have lived up here his sister only visited once for our wedding and his mum twice) its always us doing the journey down a couple of times a year. Then in February his mum was diagnosed with cancer and we had a quick dash down there as she had to be operated on. On coming around after the op hubby went over to her bedside and the first thing she said was 'i was so upset when you told me you were going to Australia' with her most feeble voice! We then failed our first skills assessment (which we applied for before she was ill) she said she was glad we had failed! we have decided not to tell her that we had re applied and are continuing with the visa process as she is having chemo and will wait til she is well again before we break the news again. My hubby is dreading it as he knows what the reaction will be. I can understand her not being happy about it but cant understand why you wouldnt want your son to do what makes him happy. Good luck to you anyway, it will be alright once you are over there. My brother and sister are from fife!! poor you, sound like you've really been though it!! We had a failed tra, was totally gutted. But hadsucssess through vetassess. Hope all works out for you :0) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nikkiwd Posted August 20, 2013 Report Share Posted August 20, 2013 thats funny, where about in fife are they? my hubby is from Helston and we are off down there in 2 weeks for a visit. not sure what we'll say if the australia subject comes up, we dont want them to know we have carried on with the process but also dont want to lie if they ask. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julie Posted August 20, 2013 Report Share Posted August 20, 2013 Look, it takes time, but everyone eventually gets used to certain family members being overseas. With skype now, you can touch base on a daily basis if you wish. You have to point out the benefits, for them as well, i.e having somewhere to come to get away from those long cold Winters in the UK, if your parents/in-laws are retired they can come out for long periods of time, trust me after spending heaps of time together in the same house, you will both be glad to go back to having your space again! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elfie Posted August 21, 2013 Report Share Posted August 21, 2013 Been here a year now my sister has never rung - although my sister came for 3 weeks in Feb - my mother in law has rung twice - it is not as if they cannot afford it. If we do not ring them then it does not happen. To say getting a tad pissed off is an understatement. My mother in law stated last time we rang " it costs us money to telephone you" but she loves the bragging rights that her son and daughter in law are in Australia - typical Welsh valley mindedness. Whoppie doo just for you information it costs us £127 a month for a goddam landline for us to use 3 times a month - does include internet and t box - that we were conned into getting from telstra !- This is all for a phone we do not need just to keep in touch with you. We are still alive but just on the other side of the world but then you wouldnt know that if we did not ring! Oh and they point blank refuse to get a lap top to use skype!!!!!!!!!! in laws that is Rant over Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jonandsarah Posted August 21, 2013 Report Share Posted August 21, 2013 lf Been here a year now my sister has never rung - although my sister came for 3 weeks in Feb - my mother in law has rung twice - it is not as if they cannot afford it. If we do not ring them then it does not happen. To say getting a tad pissed off is an understatement. My mother in law stated last time we rang " it costs us money to telephone you" but she loves the bragging rights that her son and daughter in law are in Australia - typical Welsh valley mindedness. Whoppie doo just for you information it costs us £127 a month for a goddam landline for us to use 3 times a month - does include internet and t box - that we were conned into getting from telstra !- This is all for a phone we do not need just to keep in touch with you. We are still alive but just on the other side of the world but then you wouldnt know that if we did not ring! Oh and they point blank refuse to get a lap top to use skype!!!!!!!!!! in laws that isRant over Elfie I think we maybe related and have the same mother in law - sounds exactly like mind. Given up carrying now - my dad is more proud of my husband than his owner father is. I will not left them bring me down and I will not let them let my daughter down anymore. She 6 and when someone says they will ring it hurts her when they don't. Its their sons birthday next month iam not even expecting a card as they say postage is too much - well she can stick her 30 a day fag habit where the sun doesn't shine - in stinky old ammanford !!!. Rant over too Sarah Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest9824 Posted August 21, 2013 Report Share Posted August 21, 2013 Hi Cornishpoms, I dont think its ever easy saying goodbye. When my sister left the UK 30 years ago, we were heart broken, I was very close to my two nephews and still remember seeing them disappear through the doors at Manchester airport waving at us all! We went through what could only be described as a 'bereavement' process, but we knew that they were trying to make a better life for themselves. I went through the same thing when my mum and dad emigrated to be with my sister 25 years ago, and then we went through the same process when we told my in laws that we were going to Australia too, total denial from mum in law, but they gave us their blessing, and since we left, they absolutely, without question, know we have done the right thing for our family and ourselves! I guess, you have to do what you can to make things as smooth as possible, and then be happy that you did what you could, you cant change the way people feel, but Im sure they will change once you are living here. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that. Then when they come for a holiday, you will see a different side to them...that can bring its own dramas and issues!!! Good luck! pea Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StraighttothePoint Posted August 21, 2013 Report Share Posted August 21, 2013 When I leave from the airport I go straight through customs and into the lounges no matter how early I am for the plane. What I do not do is sit with a family of folk waiting to say goodbye to me for an hour or so. You see it all the time in aiports. Hoards of family members saying goodbye to one or two folk. There is nothing worse than sitting, fidgeting with a cup of coffee, not saying much, trying to keep it together and just waiting for the final few minutes of hell. Think how bad it is now and then think of that. My advice would be to anyone who can do it is to make it a quick exit in the airport or go alone of possible. Sorry but that is the next thing you all have to handle so best to know your options. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elfie Posted August 21, 2013 Report Share Posted August 21, 2013 lf Elfie I think we maybe related and have the same mother in law - sounds exactly like mind. Given up carrying now - my dad is more proud of my husband than his owner father is. I will not left them bring me down and I will not let them let my daughter down anymore. She 6 and when someone says they will ring it hurts her when they don't. Its their sons birthday next month iam not even expecting a card as they say postage is too much - well she can stick her 30 a day fag habit where the sun doesn't shine - in stinky old ammanford !!!. Rant over too Sarah Ha ha you relate to this also then. They are just too set in their ways and typically Welsh I feel the same as you their loss. I dont take it to heart any more. We went 4 weeks without ringing thinking she "the matriarch" would give in but no she stuck to her guns and didnt pick up the phone. She thinks we are going back next year for a visit me thinks not ...... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jonandsarah Posted August 21, 2013 Report Share Posted August 21, 2013 Ha ha you relate to this also then. They are just too set in their ways and typically Welsh I feel the same as you their loss. I dont take it to heart any more. We went 4 weeks without ringing thinking she "the matriarch" would give in but no she stuck to her guns and didnt pick up the phone. She thinks we are going back next year for a visit me thinks not ...... Elfie, We were here almost 3 months before she even picked up the phone to speak to us, we had a couple of emails from them but not a text or a call very sad really you would have thought they would like to know how your doing etc wouldn't you - I just don't want to speak to them when they call and I have to give me 6 year old $20 just to get to say something - says it all really. I wonder what there xmas excuse on the pressie front will be and then her birthday in January Iam going to drop the hint about her having her own bank account see where that gets me. Sarah Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lindsaylou7 Posted August 21, 2013 Report Share Posted August 21, 2013 Hi Harriet, it was good to read your post and other replies, I now realise I am not alone. We leave for Oz in 6 weeks so my family have known for a year. My Dad and Sister have buried there heads in the sands and pretended it's not happening. At times they have never mentioned it and change the subject very quickly if we do. What has saddened me this week is that my Dad has now refused to see us all before we go because he cannot deal with it!! He has also told us he will not visit!! My children are so disappointed and we really hoped for a proper goodbye. I was distraught but now I feel more determined. Who would not want a free holiday to Perth! My mum has been great but very up and down parents divorced, so my mum is on her own. We are staying with her a few days before we leave. I am dreading that. I have said no to the airport thing, we have booked a hotel at the airport the night before so we can have our time to gather our thoughts and feel excited about our life. I understand that this s like a bereavement for family and I think they need time to work through it. Good Luck everyone. Lindsay Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jonandsarah Posted August 21, 2013 Report Share Posted August 21, 2013 Hi Harriet, it was good to read your post and other replies, I now realise I am not alone. We leave for Oz in 6 weeks so my family have known for a year. My Dad and Sister have buried there heads in the sands and pretended it's not happening. At times they have never mentioned it and change the subject very quickly if we do. What has saddened me this week is that my Dad has now refused to see us all before we go because he cannot deal with it!! He has also told us he will not visit!! My children are so disappointed and we really hoped for a proper goodbye. I was distraught but now I feel more determined. Who would not want a free holiday to Perth! My mum has been great but very up and down parents divorced, so my mum is on her own. We are staying with her a few days before we leave. I am dreading that. I have said no to the airport thing, we have booked a hotel at the airport the night before so we can have our time to gather our thoughts and feel excited about our life. I understand that this s like a bereavement for family and I think they need time to work through it. Good Luck everyone. Lindsay Lindsay No you aren't aloan its so hard to know what is the right thing to do and how people will react - one life we have to live it. Take Care Sarah Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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