aussiebird2012 Posted April 12, 2012 Report Share Posted April 12, 2012 Hi, Our dream could be over before it even begins. Our 21 year old daughter is in a right mess. She has been in an on-off relationship for 2 years now with her boyfriend (if you can call him that!) and last Saturday whilst very drunk and uncontrollable, he scared the living daylights out of her whilst out that evening and she had to call the police. She was petrified and also rang my husbands mobile at 3am. We had to also call the police as we thought he would do something terrible before we even got there. She couldnt get him out of her car and he was screaming etc at her. She eventually got him out and she locked all the doors and called the police. They arrived before we did and I was beside myself thinking he had hurt her. He got taken away in a police car and taken home. HE DID NOT HIT HER. My husband wanted to get hold of him but did manage to speak to him on my daughters mobile before the police arrived and cant repeat what he said but it was not pretty!! We brought daughter home and she sobbed etc saying she was so, so scared. She even thought he had been taking something because he was like an animal. Anyway, her boyfriend was warned to never make contact with our daughtrer again, by phone etc.... and if he found out he had been, he would pay him a visit. Well we have found out only a few days later that they have been texting each other. My husband hit the roof and rang her boyfriend only for his mum to answer. They had a long chat and things were said but they were amicable about it. Lets just say my husband didnt hold back in telling her what she thought of her son (he is 20 by the way). He has always been a heavy drinker and has treated our daughter nice one minute, bad the next. We have had 2 years of all the grief from her but tell her to get on with it or find someone else etc etc.....but she keeps hanging on to him!!!! She says she still has feelings for him and we cant understand why??????? We just cannot get through to her. He will never make her happy and she does not want to come to Australia with us in October. She has Citizenship by descent. We keep telling her she could start a new, fresh beginning down under and it could turn her life around. If we say to her well if you dont come you will have to live with him, she just says she doesnt want to live with him:arghh:so she cant be that happy to stay with him then??? confused!!!..... She says she cant live on her own because she cant afford to (who can at 21) and she doesnt want us to go. So, she is feeling forced out of her home with no where to live, thats why she doesnt want to live with him, but she still wants to be with him BECAUSE SHE HATES BEING ON HER OWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We spent late last night trying to convince her to come with us but we are wasting our breath. We said next time this happens when he is drunk, he could hit her and who would she call then if we are not hear anymore. She would have to call the police again. How can we possibly still move to Australia with all this going on. We want to protect her but is she letting this happen to stop us going?? I am so torn at the moment as cant bear the thought of her staying in UK in this situation right now. Is she being totally selfish or are we??? We have found someone to rent out our property and plans are moving along steadily. Hubby has got a partner visa and we have an 8 year old son who cannot wait to go. PLEASE, SOMEONE HELP ME BEFORE I HAVE A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MAYBE THIS IS A WARNING THAT WE ARE NOT MEANT TO GO?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Pathfinder Posted April 12, 2012 Report Share Posted April 12, 2012 My opinion - you have to continue your plans to go but that depends if you are wholeheartedly wanting to go to AUS or half heartedly. As much as we want to help and protect our daughters there is only so much you can do or say. I know you will find it difficult but she is 21 and old enough to stand on her own two feet . Maybe she can share a place with a flat or roommate, Is she working? Over time as your plans go ahead she could split with this guy and follow you out there or even continue with him for years to come but either way you cannot put your plans on hold waiting to see where this relationship goes. Sorry it might not be want you want to hear but children rarely follow parents advice and have to make their own mistakes. All you can do is make her comfortable in the knowledge that you are here to help her to a point but she has to be strong and stand up for herself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ozindublin Posted April 12, 2012 Report Share Posted April 12, 2012 what a dreadful situation! your daughter needs to make some decisions, and maybe she already knows what she SHOULD do? Perhaps if you make the move, it will be a good reality check for her! I'd hate to watch my daughter waste her time on a fella like this one described, it must break your heart. But she is using this against you. if she really does want to stay, this is her decision, not yours to make, therefore she must take some responsibilty and find somewhere else to stay... (there are houseshares on daft.ie) If she finds after you've gone that she regret's HER decison then I'm sure she can still follow you out. I reckon that you, your husband & son have made your decisions, its up to your daughter to start making some... Good luck, and keep us posted! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SusieQ Posted April 12, 2012 Report Share Posted April 12, 2012 I do agree with the other posters too I'm afraid..at 21 she should be able to stand on her own. She has been aware that you are coming and so it is of no shock to her. Maybe coming will make her realise life isn't a bed of roses and Mum and Dad won't always be at her beckon call.....that said maybe put some funds in an account that you could access at short notice to get her a flight to Oz if she changes her mind once you have left. That said its easy to sit and say leave her behind......really not sure I could leave one of my kids behind either. You and hubby have some very tough decisions to make and it is decisions I really wouldn't want to be making!! Good luck xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest The Flying Englishman Posted April 12, 2012 Report Share Posted April 12, 2012 I don't envy your position at all, although at 21 (provided she's working of course) she should be entitled to make her own decisions. Doesn't make the decision any easier though does it? Best of luck to you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest tinkerbell Posted April 12, 2012 Report Share Posted April 12, 2012 Sounds like a very similar situation to me when I was 21! I would encourage her to go, she will soon get over things although may resent you at first. 21 is still very young but at that age you do think you are all grown up and can take on anything. My similar situation resulted in me pretty much not leaving the house for 12 months and being very down so if someone had of made the decision to move for me I would have been a lot happier a lot quicker. Can you talk her into going for a 6 month trial (sneaky really but with realistically no intention of coming back), bet once shes there she will want to stay. I would say dont see it as a sign not to go, see it as a sign of how much you want to go and the little obsticales that you have to overcome for what you want - hope you get things sorted! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ali Posted April 12, 2012 Report Share Posted April 12, 2012 Horrible situation to be in and I know your children remain children, but she is an adult and has to make her own decisions, staying a watching her in her on off relationship might be more detrimental to your relationship with her, especially if you start to resent her for what you've given up. As a citizen by decent, she's not going to have to jump through any hoops to come and join you if she wants to at a later date .. which I suspect without the security of you being around she might. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackboots Posted April 12, 2012 Report Share Posted April 12, 2012 maybe as Tinkerbell says try and come to a deal say... will you come for 6 months and you will pay for her return flights ? does she have relations or grandparents etc on board ? bless it never comes eay this migration lark , good luck Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest dreamchaser91 Posted April 12, 2012 Report Share Posted April 12, 2012 I often just read through these threads for advice but felt compelled to register and reply to this one as I may be able to give you a different outlook from others who have replied. I am a 21 year old girl who has recently split up from a 3 year relationship. As with your daughter I was scared to be alone and felt horrible moving back in with my parents. I would advise you to go. If you were my parents I would follow. The main reason I am looking to move to oz is to lead a more fulfilled life, and I really think your daughter would find that out there. Right now she is feeling like her life will be empty without her boyfriend - but infact she will most likely realise that the way she is living right now is more lonely. As with what others have said you shouldn't let your adult daughter hold you back from realising your families dreams. My parents are considering moving to Tenerife and I dont particularly want them to go - but I know it would be wrong for me to stop them. If she has a job she should be able to support herself. Although, speaking from a person who is of similar age - I would not let it get in to that situation. If my parents were in the same position I would ultimately end up going with you. You should continue with your plans and stand your ground. This is more than just her life she is affecting after all. Hope this helps and good luck with your daughter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ali Posted April 12, 2012 Report Share Posted April 12, 2012 Dreamchaser - just wanted to comment thank you for your post and wish you all the best xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JaseandAnne Posted April 12, 2012 Report Share Posted April 12, 2012 I understand that its not easy to think of leaving her especially if she is going to still be seeing the Boyf (waste of space). However the opportunity you are going to be offering your 8 year old outweighs your daughters problem 10 fold. If she chooses to stay and continue with this guy then she is old enough to make that decision. I'm sure that once you are gone and the reality of having to provide for herself hits home she'll do some major growing up and be on that plane before yours has touched down. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aussiebird2012 Posted April 12, 2012 Author Report Share Posted April 12, 2012 I'm very touched by all your lovely comments. She has decided to come with us!!! RESULT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ali Posted April 12, 2012 Report Share Posted April 12, 2012 I'm very touched by all your lovely comments. She has decided to come with us!!! RESULT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Great news for both of you xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Jillie14 Posted April 13, 2012 Report Share Posted April 13, 2012 I'm very touched by all your lovely comments. She has decided to come with us!!! RESULT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's brilliant news, I'm really pleased for you. Let's hope this gives her and your family the fresh start that you all need, best of luck with the move Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Jillie14 Posted April 13, 2012 Report Share Posted April 13, 2012 I often just read through these threads for advice but felt compelled to register and reply to this one as I may be able to give you a different outlook from others who have replied. I am a 21 year old girl who has recently split up from a 3 year relationship. As with your daughter I was scared to be alone and felt horrible moving back in with my parents. I would advise you to go. If you were my parents I would follow. The main reason I am looking to move to oz is to lead a more fulfilled life, and I really think your daughter would find that out there. Right now she is feeling like her life will be empty without her boyfriend - but infact she will most likely realise that the way she is living right now is more lonely. As with what others have said you shouldn't let your adult daughter hold you back from realising your families dreams. My parents are considering moving to Tenerife and I dont particularly want them to go - but I know it would be wrong for me to stop them. If she has a job she should be able to support herself. Although, speaking from a person who is of similar age - I would not let it get in to that situation. If my parents were in the same position I would ultimately end up going with you. You should continue with your plans and stand your ground. This is more than just her life she is affecting after all. Hope this helps and good luck with your daughter. dreamchaser - just wanted to comment and say what a lovely reply to make, it shows great maturity and kindness of spirit to be so selfless and thinking of your parents and family in this way so all credit to you for that. Good luck with your situation too and whatever you decide to do, hope you're happy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SusieQ Posted April 13, 2012 Report Share Posted April 13, 2012 What a huge relief for all of you xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Give me a break! Posted April 13, 2012 Report Share Posted April 13, 2012 So difficult this one. My 21 year old daughter also has an on off boyfriend, he treats her like absolute gold, no issues of violance or threats, except he cant keep it in his pants! Done the dirty on her no end of times and she rings me full of tears. She does live in Australia but lives over in Brisbane so a long way away. She splits with him, and I think thank goodness, shes finally got herself sorted, then I find from my other daughter that she's seeing him again! Ive come to the conclusion as difficult as it seems, that at 21 she is her own person and she has to make mistakes. She has to kiss the frogs to find her Prince, just hope its not too long though cause my nerves cant take it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gollywobbler Posted April 13, 2012 Report Share Posted April 13, 2012 (edited) I'm very touched by all your lovely comments. She has decided to come with us!!! RESULT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hi Aussie Bird Have you made it clear that the boyfriend is not going to Australia as well? If not, in your shoes I would make that fact abundantly clear both to him and his mother. The last thing that your daughter needs is the wretched yob turning up in Australia as well, I suspect. I'd tell him straight that there would be no room for him at my inn. He sounds like a spoilt brat to me. He would find the Lonely Planet Guide most useful if he wants to find a cheap backpackers' hostel somewhere in Oz. He can find it on-line if he looks. Good luck, hon. Cheers Gill Edited April 13, 2012 by Gollywobbler typos Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aussiebird2012 Posted April 13, 2012 Author Report Share Posted April 13, 2012 Hi Aussie Bird Have you made it clear that the boyfriend is not going to Australia as well? If not, in your shoes I would make that fact abundantly clear both to him and his mother. The last thing that your daughter needs is the wretched yob turning up in Australia as well, I suspect. I'd tell him straight that there would be no room for him at my inn. He sounds like a spoilt brat to me. He would find the Lonely Planet Guide most useful if he wants to find a cheap backpackers' hostel somewhere in Oz. He can find it on-line if he looks. Good luck, hon. Cheers Gill Hi Gollywobbler, I burst into laughter at your comments! so funny! No he is most certainly not coming, he spends all his money on booze and it just would never happen. I am happy to concentrate on my daughter now and just hope she doesnt change her mind later on! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aussiebird2012 Posted April 13, 2012 Author Report Share Posted April 13, 2012 Thank you to all have replied. xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Gav Posted April 14, 2012 Report Share Posted April 14, 2012 Even if you stay there, you can't protect her as the incident has already happened by the time she calls you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aussiebird2012 Posted April 14, 2012 Author Report Share Posted April 14, 2012 So difficult this one. My 21 year old daughter also has an on off boyfriend, he treats her like absolute gold, no issues of violance or threats, except he cant keep it in his pants! Done the dirty on her no end of times and she rings me full of tears. She does live in Australia but lives over in Brisbane so a long way away. She splits with him, and I think thank goodness, shes finally got herself sorted, then I find from my other daughter that she's seeing him again! Ive come to the conclusion as difficult as it seems, that at 21 she is her own person and she has to make mistakes. She has to kiss the frogs to find her Prince, just hope its not too long though cause my nerves cant take it Hi Catherine, thanks for your reply, it seems i'm not the only one with worries lol! On a different note, we are heading to Lakelands too as got family living there, they have just moved into their house they had built. It's fabulous!! Stayed there in Feb for our reccie. Would you like to keep in touch and meet up when we arrive? It would be great to make some new friends? Lisa. x:cute: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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